Rigatoni the Roach

Margie's was the kind of place you drive up to and instantly have doubts. There isn't another building for a few blocks, as if the other buildings did not want to be seen hanging with it. But also, at the same time, you just know this is the kind of place that knows how to cook amazing Italian food. It's one of those places where when you walk in for the first time you are a little unsure of yourself. You feel like you are intruding on something that wasn't meant for you. Like the place was doing fine for the last 3000 years with its regular customers and then you walked in. So we are seated in a side booth by the chuckling, slightly offensive, smelly, but kind of idiotically-charming waiter. Lauren's Mom claims he smelled sour, and I would not doubt he could have soured himself, most likely without knowing it. We get a good bottle of wine, and are beginning our delicious salads and bread when I see something out of the corner of my eye. A crawling shadow if you will. But the place was so dark, so mob-movie shadowy I shrugged it off, besides it wasn't crawling by me. Suddenly, all hell breaks out as Rigatoni the Roach makes his appearance. Weighing-in at at least 7 or 8 pounds, he bravely twines his front legs together in defiance of us and at how he made it all the way to the center of the table without our note. I swear I could hear a soft violin play as he skillfully combined front legs in a roach gesture too inappropriate for this blog. He dashes for the safety of the side wall of the booth. Lauren goes into battle mode trying to protect our child. Grabbing the salt shaker she brings it down like an earthquake in rapid succession only to be foiled by Rigatoni's deftly maneuvers. Fleeing from my wife's wrath as any intelligent creature/husband would, he goes the only route to safety.......straight at Lauren's Mom. She straightens up in the booth as if struck by lightening, she pleads with Lauren's Stepdad to move, but no, he does not. He is the only thing between her and safety from the Mobster roach. Yet as if loaded down by cement he does not stray an inch from his seat. He didn't see Rigatoni and therefore doesn't understand the need for her escape. He moves, she moves out, we are all in shock, and Rigatoni is gone. I am still not sure where Rigatoni went, to put out a hit on another roach mob perhaps. But, as I sat in Lauren's Mom's seat the next 20 minutes, I swear he touched my feet at least 10 or 50 times. - Tim